When Shit Happens

Minding their business

It was God's creation. An abundant species. With a jet black body, eyes like white marbles and coupled with an incessant sound, it circles the high skies...watching...waiting...and preparing to strike at the opportune moment. Yes, you would have figured out by now that i'm referring to that nasty and vile creature: (No offence!)

THE CROW (caaw caaw, no not that horror movie)

Why so much angst you ask? Well, i'l have to rewind the clocks by 2 years to narrate this gooey story. (Alert! Do not read further if you do not like gross stuff and if your the Lord Labaku Das type!)

<<GOING BACK IN TIME>>

<<<March 2012..Zkkk Zkkk Zkkk.. -> November 2011..Zkkk Zkkk..-> January 2011..Zkkk Zkkk.. March 2010>>>

3 months into my first job, i was happy with the way things were turning out..And of course, being a lover of long distance biking, the journey from my home to my workplace was initially blissful. Why? Because i have a machine that loves me back as much as i love 'her'. The Yam R15. The bike and i are one you know.

Anyway, so as always i park my bike outside the office (duh) and go to work (duh). This was the routine for the last 3 months. And then it happened..straight out of a Night Shyamalan Movie. There is a huge bla-bla tree outside the office that spans across half the street with its terrifying bark and branches..it sways and creaks to the winds and gives a terrifying effect when it gets dark in the evening..BUT. Among those branches and leaves, i could feel a 100 eyes watching me, the electric tension making the strands of hair on my head stand up. And there it was. Or should i say, there they were. Perched on the branches in perfect battle formation, they blessed me with a holy darshan of their bottoms..Shock. Realisation. The enormity of it all !

They were getting ready to drop the BIG GUNS! The adrenaline rush was incredible, time slowed down, just as how the environment is blurred while aiming down a target, all i could see were the sinister beaks and ready-to-drop behinds of these crows. The scrawny one 20 feet above me drew first blood, and that was the moment that changed my entire life..!

In Slow-Mo, i saw the white/yellow/brown gooey substance making its way down - to me. Reflexes numbed, and with zero reaction time, SPLAT!!!! and LO, i was anointed in holy kaka pee (crow shit in Tamil). I swear i heard that sonofagun say "You want a piece of me punk?!"

Shaken by the attack, i prayed that the madness would stop. But no..the Others. They wanted to relieve some of the pent-up frustration too. And suddenly, 6 crows made a coordinated strike by trying to box me in a turtle formation and another 3 swooped down like B2 Bombers..! After all the chaos and after the poop splattering spree, i was shocked to see that my bike was completely bathed in fresh golden poop! and i was left with minimal damage to my shoulders and feet! AAARGHH!
The Black Beast (the bike) was now a dalmation dog!
Everyday, like clockwork the battalion of crows would do "Poop Visarjan/Pee Abhishegam" on my bike and i'l have to get down and dirty and clean the mess up! EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So what is the deal with these crows huh? Why is that they get such sadistic pleasures in defacing innocent humans, inanimate vehicles or those poor freedom fighters (the statues ofc)? And why is that these creatures sit on high altitude places and poop? Is it because they want to make an 'impact' ?! Would it hurt if they just sat on some wall or something and attended to their business?? Ah...alas i do not know the answers to these questions.

But i do know the reason why crows poop so much. That's because they eat like pigs! So this is what i presume is there on their daily menu: 

6.00 AM : Wake Up. Crow for some time.
7.00 AM : Meet up with some of my homies. Group crowing sessions begin. (Need the exercise)
8.00 AM : Fly to the nearest temple. Grab a bite of the holy offerings.
9.30 AM : Fly to Brahmin Household with homies. Eat into the carb rich ghee + pappu mammam (rice) left for us. (We crows are your ancestors you see)
10.45 AM : Fly to the nearest butcher shop. Dig into those delicious leftovers. Caaw Caaw (Yum Yum)
1.30 PM : Ah! is that a dead rat i see? Scavenging Time! Caaw Caaw (Double Yum)
3.30 PM : Fly to Corporation Dumpyard with more buddies. Ah this is the mother lode! Eat eat eat!
5.30 PM : Hmm, stomach rumbling, must loosen up bowels. Must find comfortable tree.
6.00 PM : <<Perched atop THE tree>>
6.15 PM : All homies get excited! Caaw Caaw Caaw (Look look! Jayanth's shiny bike! Lets have some fun boys!) Instructions from Group Leader <<SIT UPRIGHT>> <<POSITION BUM DIRECTLY PERPENDICULAR TO BIKE>> <<WHEN YOUR READY>> <<LET 'EM HAVE IT>> SWooooooosshh!! SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT!!
6.30 PM : Ahhh..whate relief. Lets scram boys.
6.45 PM : Jayanth leaves from work. Looks outside. Bile outburst. End of Story.

Yep, this is exactly what must be happening on a daily basis. Bottomline: Crows love to poop on unsuspecting people and objects.

And me? I have been diagnosed with severe Aerial Avian Coprophobia ! 

<<In the background, a dropping sound is heard..too late.SPLAT!>>

Damn you crow!!



P.S - Once again, a super duper ultra thanks to Sandhya Prabhat for the extremely awesome cartoon! This post is definitely incomplete without the pictorial support from her. (She will soon teach the existing gurus a thing or two in the future)

If you liked this post, just share or e-mail it to your friends!

To read my other post with Sandhya's cartoon, see A Place to Be Naked.

About Sandhya:

Sandhya Prabhat is from Chennai, India. She is a freelance illustrator and animator, and has finished her MFA in Animation and Digital Arts in NYU Tisch Asia School of the Arts, Singapore. She has a Bachelor's degree in English Literature from Stella Maris College, Chennai. She also enjoys reading, writing and appreciates good vegetarian food. She is currently utilising 100% of her brain for multiple projects for several clients. 

No, she does not have a blog yet but hopes to have one soon. 


She can be reached at sandhya.22@gmail.com

Invaded

 

Depressed. Shocked, Disgusted and Disturbed. These emotions are just mild expressions of what i'am really feeling. No this is not some stupid rant about my petty life. It's about Her. The common woman. And what about her you ask? She gets raped a 1000 times a day of course.

I'am not here to introduce you all to the phenomenon of rape. It's out there. Happening right now. Could be near your comfortable home or in some dark, dingy and cursed place in the middle of no-where. She is going through it. And some prick's sexual ego is being stroked.

If you too, have the unfortunate habit of reading Google News everyday, you would notice that more than the news about some scientific breakthrough made by some nameless sonofagun, there are more articles reporting the rape of a minor girl or an old aunty or some other sick perverted BS. So these are what i see on a normal, bright and sunny morning - articles peppered with the juices of journalistic creativity: (Courtesy - Our Media Hawks)

"15 Year old gang raped in broad daylight"
"2 teens gang raped by 15 men"
"23 Year old raped in a moving vehicle"
and so ffing on...

Ok so what's so outlandish about such incidents you may wonder..some sickos may even talk about karma, that these women actually deserved it! Out of some sick and twisted ideology! Can you believe it? Go and read the comments made by our junta and you will understand.

A recent article i read shocked the bejesus out me. So this is what happened.. 2 teenagers who were being raped in some desolate place by 10 men, cried out for help repeatedly and a few workers from the nearby fields heard the commotion and arrived at the place. And guess what happened next? They joined in the act too! I was so disgusted and overwhelmed with the monstrosity of the heinous act, that i couldn't fathom the gravity of the incident completely. Yes, this is what is happening these days. Gang rapes seem to be the new fad.

It is possible that the rape rate was always the same, and the fact that these incidents are being disclosed to the public may be due to women choosing to make a stand, rather than hide in their centuries old womb of fear. Or it is possible that there are infact more number of rapes happening across the country.

End of the day, i just cannot understand or digest these acts of evil. Don't they have sisters or mothers? Would they rape their own kin? How could they? We are pagans..worshippers of the elements..and more importantly, ours is the religion, where female deities take a prominent place. So what use is a Kali/Durga in this hellish world we live in?

I won't delve into what the government did or did not do to curb these incidents. No i am not talking for or against any existing punishments that are imposed on the convicted. All i am wondering/talking about is this..

If you had invaded the sacredness and dignity of a woman, then why are you not rotting in hell?

There is a saying in Tamizh..

"Arasan andru kolvan, Deivam nindru kollum"

Meaning - The Ruler/King gives justice then and there, but God will punish after some time.
Reality - The Ruler does not give instant justice and God does not care.

This is the sorry state of affairs. My sincere prayers and sympathies to all the affected, not only in India, but all over the World.

Wishing for a crime free world is perhaps Utopian and foolish..people like you and me are blessed. We have the power of democracy and here i am talking about a social evil and unable to take any sort of real action.

Bottom line, that's what we are. Powerless.

I bet my old socks Lord Krishna would be thinking right now.."i told you that Kaliyuga would be a bitch din't i ?!"

Amen to that.

Clooney's Sentinel

Ok so i'm in a serious mood..i usually avoid current affairs and typically blog on creative topics..But that doesn't mean i don't care about what happens in India or the other parts of the world..!

According to me there are two groups of humans in this world. The Lucky and the Not So Lucky. The Lucky ones (like me) get to live a tranquil life with simple issues such as power cuts, bad roads, corrupt officials etc peppered with the luxuries of life such as movies, food, etc. If 10 random people die in the hands of some random lunatics, it doesn't affect me. Nope. Maybe i would pity those poor souls. But that's just about it. What do we care? We live in our cocooned peaceful life don't we?

But the Not So Lucky ones, suffer. Not in the hands of the Devil. But in the hands of men who have lost their souls to greed, rage, violence and madness. Thousands die for no reason. Beaten, shunned and forced to flee, their lives like a Tight Rope Walk, with no clue about what they did to deserve such a fate. They are the ones that know what Death looks like because many a times, it comes knocking on their doors. Vulnerable and broken, hell must be a bed of roses for these poor sods.

This morning, while randomly absorbing my daily dose of gyaan, i stumbled on this news article from Global Post:

Clooney satellite project shows preparations for assault

At first glance, i couldn't make sense of it, George Clooney? Danny Ocean? What satellite project? Why him? an assault on who? These were the questions that flared in my mind. Filled with curiousity i dug deeper. What i read astonished me!

Before i enlighten you on Clooney's initiative, lets talk about the issue in focus. (in simple terms)

• What? : North & South Sudan have been at loggerheads since 1955.
• Why? : Oil reserves, ethnic clashes, southern rebels, grazing land, government negligence, arab-african showdown, division of South Sudan as separate country
• Conflict Areas ? : Abyei, South Kordofan, and Blue Nile
• Effect? : Darfur Genocide, Power Struggle over oil rich Abyei, dispute over South Sudan's independence, mass graves
• Peace Agreements? : Addis Ababa Agreement (1972), Comprehensive Peace Agreement (2005)
• Ok and? : More fighting, blood spilled, innocent lives lost, survivors turn refugees
• Uhuh? : South Sudan becomes Independent in 2011.

You get the point right? So where does our Descendants star step in you ask?

The Answer is a first-of-a-kind effort at peacekeeping and deterring mass atrocities and the resumption of war between Sudan (North) and South Sudan by combining a Eye-in-the-sky approach meets Proactive Action plan, which is:

 

George Clooney while visiting Sudan in Oct 2010 (4th time) initiated this project along with Enough Project co-founder, John Prendergast. What is really cool about this initiative is that it combines satellite imagery analysis and field reports with Google's Map Maker technology to detect signs of emergency or violence in the war torn regions of Sudan.

These satellites are able to capture possible threats to civilians, observe the movements of displaced people and also any signs of open military activity, detect razed villages and note other evidence of impending mass violence!

The project has been successful in detecting any human rights crimes even before they occur and has unearthed evidences of close to 8 mass graves in the South Kordofan region.

The Harvard Humanitarian Initiative, runs the research, operational and technical aspects of the Satellite Sentinel Project. It is what they call the 'Crisis Mapping & Early Warning System'. Bloody awesome if you ask me..!

Mass Grave Sites (as captured by Satellite Sentinel)

George Clooney in Sudan (from TIME Photos)

Of course, there has been criticism from all quarters against George Clooney over his involvement in this sensitive issue, but nonetheless, that is what we are really good at aren't we? Stand on the greener side of the field and pelt stones at the ones who are actually doing something.

I guess this is just the beginning. I'd rather read and keep myself informed on such matters than read nonsensical articles on how our media has glorified the entry of a porn star in a reality show.

Perpetrators beware. Miles above, Clooney's Sentinel is Awake.

 

Neon Addiction

© Jayanth B Kashyap

A long time ago, when i had a lot of time to spare, i indulged in creating flashy and cool animated titles and videos for my own creative satisfaction..Andrew Kramer, the famous visual artist is my guru when it comes to vfx!

One of his tutorials involves creating a terminator-meets-tron style title effect, and so i decided that i will try it out too! (image above)

Although, the end product was not as spectacular as Andrew's, I'm still proud of it !

Each blog of mine (My Mind a Nolan Movie, Extreme Close Up and 576 Megapixels) incorporates a unique banner design carefully designed by me. But not all designs step out of the drawing board. This design was one of the many that i had created for my movie blog (Extreme Close Up)

Hope you like it too!

Cheers

He Rises

Cross Posting - Extreme Close Up

Hey all! Those of you, who have seen the Dark Knight Rises trailer in my previous post , would have definitely been wondering "What the heck was that chant all about!?"

Well, i came across ujam's site, where Hans Zimmer has actually invited people world over to lend their voice to this chant sitting from their homes! (Link)

And should i say, Hans Zimmer does it again! He blew me away with his powerful orchestra-mixed-with-synthesiser style music for movies such as The Rock, Broken Arrow,
Air Force One, Last Samurai, Inception, Batman Begins, Dark Knight and now he is back again for The Dark Knight Rises!

Just Play the video above and picturise Bane and Batman going toe-to-toe with each other! It is going to be epic!!

The Chant in the trailer is "Dey-Shay, Bah-sah-rah" It means, "He Rises"

How apt right??

I just cannot wait for 2012, because in Nolan i trust.

Cheers!

The Dark Knight Rises : A Storm Coming

Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!! Christopher Nolan is back!!! The Dark Knight is back!!

Im jumping up and down, somebody get a hold of me for god's sake!!

The highly anticipated trailer for the epic conclusion of the the most awesomest batman series directed by the awesome-est director and my favorite, Christopher Nolan is out and has set my pulse racing!

A Brutal Bane and a wicked Catwoman are all set to go head on against Batman/Bruce Wayne who is now 8 years older than the previous film!

Will batman triumph once again? How will Nolan end this epic trilogy? Will Bane really break the Bat's back!? O god dammit! i can't wait!!

One thing is for sure! I'am definitely going to Hyderabad to catch The Dark Knight Rises on IMAX babay!!

Watch the extremely enticing full trailer from the powerhouse that is Nolan!

The Dark Knight shall Rise!!

The Path of Ezio

Ok so i'am a BIG time Assassin's Creed fan! Even more, i'am totally crazy about Ezio Auditore, the Master Assassin of Firenze..For those who have played the 4 series game, you will relate to what i'am saying!

Last night, i was so bored that i just had to do something totally cool to lift my spirits! and so i flipped through the E3 trailers of Assassin's Creed 2, Brotherhood and Revelations..and suddenly i realised " what if i create a fan made video paying tribute to this immortal hero!?" And so the next 4 hours flew by..after several cuts and frustrating problems with the audio and video sync, i finally created a video that would make a non-gamer understand the chronicles of the life of Ezio Auditore!

This is the Path. The Path of Ezio.

Hope you like it! Share it with all your AC crazy friends if you'd like too :)

Cheers!