February 26, 2012

When Shit Happens

Minding their business
It was God's creation. An abundant species. With a jet black body, eyes like white marbles and coupled with an incessant sound, it circles the high skies...watching...waiting...and preparing to strike at the opportune moment. Yes, you would have figured out by now that i'm referring to that nasty and vile creature: (No offence!)

THE CROW (caaw caaw, no not that horror movie)

Why so much angst you ask? Well, i'l have to rewind the clocks by 2 years to narrate this gooey story. (Alert! Do not read further if you do not like gross stuff and if your the Lord Labaku Das type!)

<<<March 2012..Zkkk Zkkk Zkkk.. -> November 2011..Zkkk Zkkk..-> January 2011..Zkkk Zkkk.. March 2010>>>

3 months into my first job, i was happy with the way things were turning out..And of course, being a lover of long distance biking, the journey from my home to my workplace was initially blissful. Why? Because i have a machine that loves me back as much as i love 'her'. The Yam R15. The bike and i are one you know.

Anyway, so as always i park my bike outside the office (duh) and go to work (duh). This was the routine for the last 3 months. And then it happened..straight out of a Night Shyamalan Movie. There is a huge bla-bla tree outside the office that spans across half the street with its terrifying bark and branches..it sways and creaks to the winds and gives a terrifying effect when it gets dark in the evening..BUT. Among those branches and leaves, i could feel a 100 eyes watching me, the electric tension making the strands of hair on my head stand up. And there it was. Or should i say, there they were. Perched on the branches in perfect battle formation, they blessed me with a holy darshan of their bottoms..Shock. Realisation. The enormity of it all !

They were getting ready to drop the BIG GUNS! The adrenaline rush was incredible, time slowed down, just as how the environment is blurred while aiming down a target, all i could see were the sinister beaks and ready-to-drop behinds of these crows. The scrawny one 20 feet above me drew first blood, and that was the moment that changed my entire life..!

In Slow-Mo, i saw the white/yellow/brown gooey substance making its way down - to me. Reflexes numbed, and with zero reaction time, SPLAT!!!! and LO, i was anointed in holy kaka pee (crow shit in Tamil). I swear i heard that sonofagun say "You want a piece of me punk?!"

Shaken by the attack, i prayed that the madness would stop. But no..the Others. They wanted to relieve some of the pent-up frustration too. And suddenly, 6 crows made a coordinated strike by trying to box me in a turtle formation and another 3 swooped down like B2 Bombers..! After all the chaos and after the poop splattering spree, i was shocked to see that my bike was completely bathed in fresh golden poop! and i was left with minimal damage to my shoulders and feet! AAARGHH!
The Black Beast (the bike) was now a dalmation dog!
Everyday, like clockwork the battalion of crows would do "Poop Visarjan/Pee Abhishegam" on my bike and i'l have to get down and dirty and clean the mess up! EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So what is the deal with these crows huh? Why is that they get such sadistic pleasures in defacing innocent humans, inanimate vehicles or those poor freedom fighters (the statues ofc)? And why is that these creatures sit on high altitude places and poop? Is it because they want to make an 'impact' ?! Would it hurt if they just sat on some wall or something and attended to their business?? Ah...alas i do not know the answers to these questions.

But i do know the reason why crows poop so much. That's because they eat like pigs! So this is what i presume is there on their daily menu: 

6.00 AM : Wake Up. Crow for some time.

7.00 AM : Meet up with some of my homies. Group crowing sessions begin. (Need the exercise)
8.00 AM : Fly to the nearest temple. Grab a bite of the holy offerings.
9.30 AM : Fly to Brahmin Household with homies. Eat into the carb rich ghee + pappu mammam (rice) left for us. (We crows are your ancestors you see)
10.45 AM : Fly to the nearest butcher shop. Dig into those delicious leftovers. Caaw Caaw (Yum Yum)
1.30 PM : Ah! is that a dead rat i see? Scavenging Time! Caaw Caaw (Double Yum)
3.30 PM : Fly to Corporation Dumpyard with more buddies. Ah this is the mother lode! Eat eat eat!
5.30 PM : Hmm, stomach rumbling, must loosen up bowels. Must find comfortable tree.
6.00 PM : <<Perched atop THE tree>>
6.15 PM : All homies get excited! Caaw Caaw Caaw (Look look! Jayanth's shiny bike! Lets have some fun boys!) Instructions from Group Leader <<SIT UPRIGHT>> <<POSITION BUM DIRECTLY PERPENDICULAR TO BIKE>> <<WHEN YOUR READY>> <<LET 'EM HAVE IT>> SWooooooosshh!! SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT!!
6.30 PM : Ahhh..whate relief. Lets scram boys.
6.45 PM : Jayanth leaves from work. Looks outside. Bile outburst. End of Story.

Yep, this is exactly what must be happening on a daily basis. Bottomline: Crows love to poop on unsuspecting people and objects.

And me? I have been diagnosed with severe Aerial Avian Coprophobia ! 

<<In the background, a dropping sound is heard..too late.SPLAT!>>

Damn you crow!!

P.S - Once again, a super duper ultra thanks to Sandhya Prabhat for the extremely awesome cartoon! This post is definitely incomplete without the pictorial support from her. (She will soon teach the existing gurus a thing or two in the future)

If you liked this post, just share or e-mail it to your friends!

To read my other post with Sandhya's cartoon, see A Place to Be Naked.

About Sandhya:

Sandhya Prabhat is from Chennai, India. She is a freelance illustrator and animator, and has finished her MFA in Animation and Digital Arts in NYU Tisch Asia School of the Arts, Singapore. She has a Bachelor's degree in English Literature from Stella Maris College, Chennai. She also enjoys reading, writing and appreciates good vegetarian food. She is currently utilising 100% of her brain for multiple projects for several clients. 
No, she does not have a blog yet but hopes to have one soon. 

She can be reached at sandhya.22@gmail.com


Unknown said...

hey !!!! nice post!!!!! wonder hpow u come up with random topics!! ( room pottu yosipiyo?) i think clearly ur forte is humour !!! ur gym post was the best n this is really really close!!!!!!!! good job!!!!

Jayanth said...

Hey thank you so much!!

Meghna said...

Ju, I absolutely loved this one! Every single sentence had such intricately described madness!! Its like every sentence was a punch dialogue! :D I agree with the previous comment- this one and the gym one are definitely your best pieces!

Jayanth said...

Meggy!! Thankooo!

Purba said...

It was their way of saying - how dare you encroach upon my space! Yannna rascalaaa!

Viji said...

Seriously I must try to gerty inside your mind & understand how it works.. So random.. Yet so nice.. Great work

Viji said...


Jayanth said...

Ahaha! Possible!!

Jayanth said...

:) lol..thanks Viji!

Anonymous said...

Jay, what an awesome blog! Thanks for sharing it. Totally was in splits raeding this post - super humour! Cheers.

Sandhya said...

Jayanth first off, super duper thanks to you for publishing my drawing. :D Honour to be here. Wonderful post! Like I said, I sympathize. Terrorism and Crow poop: Global issues.

I read your post but now only scrolled down to read your little note. Sooo nice of you. Made me go red in the face. Thanks again :D

We should do more posts together. Loving it!

Jayanth said...

First of all, thank YOU for actually visiting this blog! Its very encouraging! Glad u found it funny!

Jayanth said...

Hehe :) no problem at all! Yes we must colloborate more! 10 years down the line I can brag that you free for my blog ;)

Jayanth said...

Drew *

Manoj said...

If only crows could read this , they wud be like "Me Gusta" !! :D :D

Jayanth said...

Ha ha! True that!